Everyone is welcome
I’m broken
When them words leave my mouth I cry
To realise the fragile truth
Even when acting strong and wearing my mask
It is useless to hide it
Damaged interior
A vase that has been shattered into a thousand pieces and glued back together
The risk of breaking once more
Forever losing pieces
There is only so much glue
Sometimes the pieces won’t glue back
That once loved vase suddenly isn’t worth keeping anymore
So it gets replaced
Why keep a broken vase?
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I am tired from all the thinking
Of what is going on
I am tired of the situation
If I’m coming or gone
I don’t know what to do
I have little choice
I can’t really speak out
I seem to have lost my voice
Waiting is so tedious
What am I waiting for?
Better to watch paint dry
At least that isn’t a bore
I have to look after myself
I need to nurture my soul
For this eventual period
That is my only goal
Why do we feel down and up?
Why do we feel like we’ve had enough?
Why do we punish ourselves again and again?
Why do we surprise others when it’s the end?
I’m feeling as though in stasis
But I see all around
I have no impact
I cannot make a sound
I just have to watch
The world as it goes by
Wondering to myself
What is this life?
What decisions did I make?
Why did I love wrong?
Why am I so damaged?
Why should I go on?
I often feel anxious
I feel it boiling my blood
I cannot even breathe
My oxygen turns to mud
I feel suffocated
As I can’t talk anymore
Every day tasks
Are now such chores
Patience I have in me
I have to, or I’d go mad
Dealing with the life around me
As all I touch goes bad
One last deep breath
As I wish to forget
I can’t get out of this
My conscience will not let
Sick of being used as a pawn or a chump
So from now I’m certainly gonna start being blunt
Told what to do for so fucking long
Used to love her, or so goes the song
Try to change everything about myself
Even the state of my mental health
Tried being considerate, caring a lot
But I have to confess, I’m losing the plot
I tried to love, to care, in every way
Every initiation, I was pushed away
Until rejection invaded me, heart and soul
It tore my in half, no longer whole
She asked me to love her, to show I cared
I stopped wanting to, then I was scared
We drifted apart, never the same again
I lost a lover and I lost my friend
Plasters cannot mend severed hearts
We just need to have fresh starts
Maybe one day I’ll feel better again
I’m tired at the moment, all the same
To throw away our love that whimpered out
To now have nothing and to go without
To hate the day, to just want it to end
Feeling depressed, going round the bend
I breathe and move on and hope for a sign
But for now I just hope tomorrow I’ll be fine
What will you throw at me today?
What suffering do I deserve?
I am at the doctor’s for medication
As I have nothing in the reserve
I’m all out
I quit
My last bit of will power
Has turned to shit
I cried for an hour
I’ve had four hours sleep
I’ve lost 3 kilos
I cry when I speak
I admit I need help
I can’t go on
It’s not a form of weakness
You have to fight to be strong
My heart may not be with me
My head in space somewhere
Depression can be beaten
Even though I’m scared
It won’t be forever
Hopefully not too long
I need to feel better
Otherwise I am done
I used to love you
But even that seems a dream
We can’t even talk
I always make you scream
I stay silent
It’s better that way
I’ll just make it worse
Being there today
I count my words
Just in my head
If it was out loud
I’d cry instead
I don’t remember
How to smile
That is forgot
Forever while
I starve myself
I don’t want to eat
I lose myself
I don’t want to speak
I don’t matter
Anymore
I’ve just become
A depressing bore
I don’t want anyone
I ask to be free
A new start
Try to be happy
5 am arrived
Into the shower
Washed with antiseptic
For what felt like hours
.
My daughter got up
Ate breakfast with me
I enjoyed my hug
Made me happy
.
Taxi arrived
Already stressing
Do I have to pay?
Or keep guessing?
.
Arrive at hospital
130 euro taxi
Fuck a duck
Tring to axe me?
.
Book in now
Taxi lady goes
400 to pay for op
That fucking blows
.
So stressed waiting
Did I prepare everything?
Did I forget
What was that thing?
.
Into another room
Do this do that
Listen well
Focus like a cat
.
Getting naked
Putting on my gowns
Stress exploding
Frown frown frown
.
Stuff in lockers
Last interview
Almost there
Want to spew
.
Taken to be knocked out
So friendly there
Oxygen and tube
I’m scared
.
Felt so heavy
Finally blacked out
Woke up gingerly
Heard someone shout
.
10 o’clock
That was quick
Didn’t take long
To snip my bits
.
A nice nurse checked on me
She had a look
Don’t mind me
Said it was all good
.
Out to the box bedroom
For coffee and cake
Looking around
What a funny place
.
Blood pressure low
Feel I’m gonna faint
I needed to pee
Had to complain
.
Doc comes out
All good to go
Follow the rules
3 months to show
.
Finally back
Taxi lady nice
Drove a bit fast
Still have my life
.
Made lunch
My balls hurt
Hunger solved
Do not exert
.
Relax now
Write for you
I’m calm now
Will have to do
Why should I change?
When all I do is hurt
Rejection painful beating
Doing it’s beautiful worst
Being pushed onto a path
Land mines scattered round
Never have I though so much
Dancing without sound
And I say to myself fuck it
If I hit one of two
Because this pain I’m feeling
Is less than being with you
So I’ll lose a limb or an organ
But I’ll make a new start
I’ll still keep on going
I’ll always have my heart
Wake up, pull yourself out of bed
Get up, move that sleepy head
Bathroom, take your morning drugs
Mirror, don’t look at that mug
Kettle, boil that water good
Coffee, strong as it should
Sit down, play on that phone a bit
Sigh, world has gone to shit
Listen, to that silence all around
Can you hear? nothing, all around
Taste, that coffee, as it swirls down
Better, to soften the frown
Still depressed, can’t get out of bed
Move your ass, go get fed
Force yourself, to eat something
Wondering, what will this day bring?
Courage, go get dressed
Yesterday’s clothes, such a wreck
Hair, don’t worry, no one cares
Fuck em, they can all stare
Car keys, out the door quick
Fresh air, feeling sick
Do this, believe in yourself
For you! No one else
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