New work

Self help starts with self!

For anyone who knows me. I am going through a breakup with my longtime partner of 9 years, we have a child together and everything is complicated. We try to stay amicable and I try to be careful with any of my work to not be disrespectful.

I recently found a house to move in to and it’s me moving out of the family home 10 minutes away. We announced our decision to our child and my other child from a past relationship too. They took the news extremely well. I don’t know if our daughter realises fully but we are not going to focus on the negatives when she is seeing it positively, why should she be depressed when she seems very happy. It’s been a long time since mummy and daddy cuddled or kissed in front of her. I think even a 6 year is not oblivious to the signs even if you think they are. Children are very intelligent.

Anyway, I am moving out over yesterday, today and tomorrow. Doing it by myself, a 40 year old with a dodgy back, I’ve done the hardest step yesterday, 2 days to go.

Me and my little girl will be sleeping at the new place tonight, I have to buy a ton of things, will probably forget tons of things, will see.

Don’t be like me and stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of your child. It is painful, it will undoubtedly be painful, I have lost 6 kgs, put on a bit and the last 3 weeks I have lost 3 kgs again, normal with the stress I think.

Do the kindest thing for everyone and think about yourself. Put yourself first, and if someone tells you that you are selfish, ignore it. Self help starts with self!

Love yourself

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I wish I could

Do you ever feel like everything is too much?

Doing anything seems too much

Procrastination is all you do

Pleasure rarely exists

It is much too fleeting

Years waiting for time to just pass by

Sleep patterns so messed up

You either sleep or you think

Brain turns on like a switch

Overactive as always

Calculating every possible decision

Consequence or even stupid thing

You have to watch your phone

Just to zone out

To forget the day passed

To not think of tomorrow

Or whatever is to come

Draining off whatever emotions you have

To gradually fade away

I wish I could

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Did you ever care?

I am empty

I have never felt this drained

So many years

Constantly strained

I have nothing left to give

I don’t even feel I can fight

I have no gas in the tank

No wings to take flight

I always say yes

I have no courage to say no

A perfect idiot

What a freak show

Every depense

Is hemorrhaging me

My energy spewing out

Can’t remember the last time I was me

Your narcissistic ways

I’m sure you’re not aware

How you’ve always treated me

Did you ever care?

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I’m too proud to ask

I wish I could say sorry for being me

I’m not all what I was meant to be

I disappointed you in everything I did

Every conflict I ran and hid

I forgot everything I messed it all up

I drove you crazy till you got fed up

I tried to seek help that didn’t help much

I disappointed myself, a messed up fuck

How can I love you when I can’t even love me?

I can’t escape my mind, no get out of jail free

I torture myself with every thought while alone

Who would I call if I picked up the phone?

No one listens or offers help

I’m too proud to ask for my mental health

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With just a little love

Are you in love with her?

Could it be different this time?

If you could change yourself?

Maybe you’d be fine?

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Such damaged goods

That could never be loved

Left out in the cold

Trampled into the mud

.

But someone took pity

Seeing the good in you

Glueing the cracks together

So the light won’t shine through

.

Fragile but looking good

Back on the shelf

Mended almost perfectly

Trying to get back your better self

.

One person’s caring

Can change you so much

Just brightening your day

With just a little love

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I’m broken

I’m broken

When them words leave my mouth I cry

To realise the fragile truth

Even when acting strong and wearing my mask

It is useless to hide it

Damaged interior

A vase that has been shattered into a thousand pieces and glued back together

The risk of breaking once more

Forever losing pieces

There is only so much glue

Sometimes the pieces won’t glue back

That once loved vase suddenly isn’t worth keeping anymore

So it gets replaced

Why keep a broken vase?

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New work

Look after yourself

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I am tired from all the thinking

Of what is going on

I am tired of the situation

If I’m coming or gone

I don’t know what to do

I have little choice

I can’t really speak out

I seem to have lost my voice

Waiting is so tedious

What am I waiting for?

Better to watch paint dry

At least that isn’t a bore

I have to look after myself

I need to nurture my soul

For this eventual period

That is my only goal

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I just have to watch

I’m feeling as though in stasis

But I see all around

I have no impact

I cannot make a sound

I just have to watch

The world as it goes by

Wondering to myself

What is this life?

What decisions did I make?

Why did I love wrong?

Why am I so damaged?

Why should I go on?

I often feel anxious

I feel it boiling my blood

I cannot even breathe

My oxygen turns to mud

I feel suffocated

As I can’t talk anymore

Every day tasks

Are now such chores

Patience I have in me

I have to, or I’d go mad

Dealing with the life around me

As all I touch goes bad

One last deep breath

As I wish to forget

I can’t get out of this

My conscience will not let