Tag: depression

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How to get out

Phil Lister11 Comments

I need to get away

From this abuse so bad

Taking its toll on me

Feeling so sad

.

He’s not violent with me

At least not physically

Although it’s still torture

The way he bullies

.

You just wouldn’t know

He’d never do it to your face

The mental abuse

I feel so disgraced

.

I wonder why he does it

Why he has to control

He enjoys his puppet

That he can mould

.

Whatever he wants

His every whim

I have to do it

Or else he is mean

.

It just never stops

Again and again

I wish it would

I feel such shame

.

How to get out

How to leave

I’m tired now

I just want peace

New work

Selfish greed

Phil Lister5 Comments

I sometimes think of the noose

The great escape

The selfish greed of getting out

Leaving everyone to clear up the mess

.

The heavy sack on my back

Voluntarily pulling me down

I don’t want to breathe

I don’t want to fight

.

I’m tired

Good for nothing

What do I give?

What is the point?

.

If I could I would

Just give up

Fade away

Who the fuck cares

New work

Numb

Phil Lister8 Comments

Numb inside

Living with myself

Feeling constantly

On the shelf

.

I am difficult

To be around

To live with

Make others frown

.

It’s inside of me

Can’t explain it

I’ll just write

For now

.

Nothingness

Always and at once

Aching

To feel like before

.

Time has passed

Change too

I won’t

I know me

.

The sacred path

That we wonder

If it even

Exists

.

I’ll never get there

Nor do I want

All is fake

A myth

.

Hope is overrated

Live to die

Only waiting

Million questions why

.

We’ll just never know

Answers evading

Like the new

Disease

.

At least it’s better

Than suffering

Trying to work out

And explain

.

This horrid mess

We call a life

Make our mistakes

And ask. Why?

New work

Sure I won’t be missed

Phil Lister4 Comments

I hate money

It’s control over us

Can’t get enough of it

It causes such a fuss

.

Everything depends on it

Can’t get away

Always need more of it

At the end of every day

.

Debt comes to bite your ass

And it rips you a new hole

It tosses the windows out

Until the vacuum takes hold

.

There are always others

That are much worse off than me

But my biggest stress of all

It has its way with me

.

So much worry

So much stress

Sometimes wondering

What is this test

.

Cars always breaking down

Kids to pay for

Working for your job

Feeling like a whore

.

Now we have to live to work

To pay all the fucking bills

Eating all my insides out

Like a poisonous swill

.

What is next to save myself

To get away from this

Put a bullet through my skull

Sure I won’t be missed

New work

Suffering weep

Phil Lister2 Comments

So so young

In the bedroom alone

Dark dark feelings

In the family home

.

Penknife out

Grating the skin

Starting to cut now

Pushing within

.

Feeling the pain

Gritting the teeth

Seeing the blood

Feeling misbelief

.

Tears of rage

Flow from eyes

Hating everything

True despise

.

Hating life

To finally stop

Giving up

Had enough

.

Laying down

Looking up

Regretting now

The open cut

.

Old t shirt

Wrapped around

Foetal silence

Not a sound

.

Tired now

Suffering weep

Teary dreams

Fading to sleep

New work

Morning blues

Phil Lister6 Comments

So they call it morning blues

And it’s viscious too

Invading your mind

Seeping into

All the cracks

The crevices fine

Through the veins

Intertwined

How it weeps

Into the blood

Causing dismay

Abysmal drug

Face lay bare

For all to see

Go on look

This misery

As it lasts so long

All through the day

Toying with the mind

It’s way to play

Delve far within

Peeling back the skin

Controlling emotions

It should be a sin

As the tears fall

Unable to hold back

Seeking answers

For all the cracks

Tear yourself down

Build the bricks back

Pull it together

Morning blues attack

depression · Depression diaries · New work

Why is depression so overwhelming?

Phil ListerLeave a comment

Why is depression so overwhelming?

It seems as if fighting it is useless but I don’t even know why it is there.

I didn’t go to bed with it but it lays with my head on the pillow and when I look at myself brushing my teeth.

The car journey to work automatic as my brain tells me stories of what I can do as it holds me captive as I cannot switch off.

It is so heavy, piggy backing me while I get my coffee and sit down at my desk.

Thank god I have my job to push these thoughts away.

Get off my back!