depression · fantasy

Don’t drop me

For so long I have been used

Forever carried

Forever drank from

Forever eaten from

From one place

To the next

Never really thought about

Sure there have been chips

But I have lasted

If you really look after me

I could last for another generation

But if you don’t take care

Just for a moment

I could fall

And break

And yes

Maybe I could be glued

Back together

To be used again

But unfortunately

I’ll never be the same

depression · Depression diaries

Getting through it

One day at a time

Monday I hit 38, that hurt, I have no idea why, I have just been on holiday with the kids for a week plus working from home.

Monday I felt so down, overwhelmed, I did not know how to take it, depression kicked my head so hard. I started questioning why? Why did I feel like this? Covid? Confinement? Work?

I started looking out, thinking I may need to talk to someone, my partner came home, I cheered up a bit and had my birthday presents etc. I cheered up a little.

Tuesday passable

Wednesday, dont get me started, I was so depressed, i got through the work day, then got my daughter. I was gardening outside as it made me feel a little better. We came inside, she wouldn’t stop whining I yelled, she covered her ears. I felt so horrible. I was doing the washing up and just crying to myself out of guilt. Uncontrollably, I thought, I really need to see someone.

I started looking, do you know how hard it is to look for someone in France, well looking is ok, but choosing is harder. I decided on one, messaged a bit. Thought on it.

I went to work Thursday and Friday, I talked a bit, already I felt so much better being around people, maybe I just need to be around people, at least a minimum.

I can’t message the person to cancel and on the site I can’t even pay for the proposed sceance, oh well.

I am sure it won’t be long before my next episode, I hope it won’t be as hard to deal with. We will see, stay strong, stay positive, talk to someone If you feel this way.

The most important think is finding out why? What is really getting you. Me it was social interaction. I am an introvert. Go figure!

depression · Life · work

I’m not okay!

It’s hard

Not knowing why I feel this way

Confined for so long

Playing with my mental puppet strings

Pulling, yanking

Am I am just to dance?

A merry jive

To the music of the propaganda

The conspiracies

The lies of powerful people

That feel they do not have to abide

I remember the angst

The unruly mental thoughts

Skipping through my mind

As that rope slapped against my brain

Again and again and again and again

Should I even start on the job?

The thought of being a point to it all

No, a mindless trill

I am just expected to be good

And continue fucking on

Where is my value?

Am I just a tool in a workbench?

As I always will be

Until worn and I will be changed

Traded in for a younger model

At a discounted price

Now I know what to expect

It isn’t any easier

Nor shall it ever be

And before you ask

No

I’m not okay!

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depression · family · Life · managing depression · New work

I wish i could be happier

I like the fact I can say what I want

Do not judge

I am only human

My deepest thoughts laid bare

On a screen blinking at me

In a sombre room

Where i hear only my breathing

I adorn the silence

But I yearn for peace

Never happy

Although I have love

If I was to have everything

I would still be unhappy

And I probably will always be

As this emotion has drowned me

I always ask why

I can’t escape it

It is always pulling me back

Even though I am simple

I am just existing

I wish i could be happier

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depression · family · Life · managing depression · New work

It suffocates me

It’s so hard

Weighing me down

My morale is

Making me drown

No matter what

I try to do

It suffocates me

Like super glue

Down my throat

Clogging my nose

No way to stop it

That’s how it goes

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depression · family · Life · managing depression · New work

Help

I want to cry

I can’t understand why

I want to breathe

I feel I will die

I want to see

Can’t open my eyes

Dont want to suffer

Time goes by

I feel sadder now

Can’t stop this gloom

Its overwhelming

Cannot pull through

I can’t be alone

Not in this room

Help me please

What do I do?

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depression · Life · managing depression · New work

Maybe the next time

As I awoke in my pit of despair

Laid out on the floor as a carcas left to rot

The flies were probably seeking their next meal

I was probably an eternity after the expiration date

Clutching my head as if it mattered

The afternoon sun pulsing through the dreary nets

The burning rays on my brow

Self pity was on my lips from the night before

Somewhere between the cheapest vodka and the stains on my shirt

A stream of bottles littered the floor

If only it was a river with a breakneck current

I wish it would suck me in never to return to my hell

Why is there always a next time?

An afternoon awakening sunrise

Maybe the next time I lose myself in the bottle

I can disappear for good

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depression · Life

Just because I don’t talk about it

Just because I don’t talk about it

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt

Hidden in the depths of me

Always getting worse

It is I who chooses to fight this way

Against my demons inside

If I choose to lock them away

Then my rules, they will abide

Even though they claw at me

To open to them the door

It is me that will keep them captive

Not them, not anymore.

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