Tag: relationship

New work

Self help starts with self!

Phil Lister7 Comments

For anyone who knows me. I am going through a breakup with my longtime partner of 9 years, we have a child together and everything is complicated. We try to stay amicable and I try to be careful with any of my work to not be disrespectful.

I recently found a house to move in to and it’s me moving out of the family home 10 minutes away. We announced our decision to our child and my other child from a past relationship too. They took the news extremely well. I don’t know if our daughter realises fully but we are not going to focus on the negatives when she is seeing it positively, why should she be depressed when she seems very happy. It’s been a long time since mummy and daddy cuddled or kissed in front of her. I think even a 6 year is not oblivious to the signs even if you think they are. Children are very intelligent.

Anyway, I am moving out over yesterday, today and tomorrow. Doing it by myself, a 40 year old with a dodgy back, I’ve done the hardest step yesterday, 2 days to go.

Me and my little girl will be sleeping at the new place tonight, I have to buy a ton of things, will probably forget tons of things, will see.

Don’t be like me and stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of your child. It is painful, it will undoubtedly be painful, I have lost 6 kgs, put on a bit and the last 3 weeks I have lost 3 kgs again, normal with the stress I think.

Do the kindest thing for everyone and think about yourself. Put yourself first, and if someone tells you that you are selfish, ignore it. Self help starts with self!

Love yourself

New work

I wish I could

Phil Lister8 Comments

Do you ever feel like everything is too much?

Doing anything seems too much

Procrastination is all you do

Pleasure rarely exists

It is much too fleeting

Years waiting for time to just pass by

Sleep patterns so messed up

You either sleep or you think

Brain turns on like a switch

Overactive as always

Calculating every possible decision

Consequence or even stupid thing

You have to watch your phone

Just to zone out

To forget the day passed

To not think of tomorrow

Or whatever is to come

Draining off whatever emotions you have

To gradually fade away

I wish I could

New work

Did you ever care?

Phil ListerLeave a comment

I am empty

I have never felt this drained

So many years

Constantly strained

I have nothing left to give

I don’t even feel I can fight

I have no gas in the tank

No wings to take flight

I always say yes

I have no courage to say no

A perfect idiot

What a freak show

Every depense

Is hemorrhaging me

My energy spewing out

Can’t remember the last time I was me

Your narcissistic ways

I’m sure you’re not aware

How you’ve always treated me

Did you ever care?

New work

I hope tomorrow I’ll be fine

Phil ListerLeave a comment

Sick of being used as a pawn or a chump

So from now I’m certainly gonna start being blunt

Told what to do for so fucking long

Used to love her, or so goes the song

Try to change everything about myself

Even the state of my mental health

Tried being considerate, caring a lot

But I have to confess, I’m losing the plot

I tried to love, to care, in every way

Every initiation, I was pushed away

Until rejection invaded me, heart and soul

It tore my in half, no longer whole

She asked me to love her, to show I cared

I stopped wanting to, then I was scared

We drifted apart, never the same again

I lost a lover and I lost my friend

Plasters cannot mend severed hearts

We just need to have fresh starts

Maybe one day I’ll feel better again

I’m tired at the moment, all the same

To throw away our love that whimpered out

To now have nothing and to go without

To hate the day, to just want it to end

Feeling depressed, going round the bend

I breathe and move on and hope for a sign

But for now I just hope tomorrow I’ll be fine

New work

I need to feel better

Phil Lister2 Comments

What will you throw at me today?

What suffering do I deserve?

I am at the doctor’s for medication

As I have nothing in the reserve

I’m all out

I quit

My last bit of will power

Has turned to shit

I cried for an hour

I’ve had four hours sleep

I’ve lost 3 kilos

I cry when I speak

I admit I need help

I can’t go on

It’s not a form of weakness

You have to fight to be strong

My heart may not be with me

My head in space somewhere

Depression can be beaten

Even though I’m scared

It won’t be forever

Hopefully not too long

I need to feel better

Otherwise I am done

New work

A new start

Phil Lister1 Comment

I used to love you

But even that seems a dream

We can’t even talk

I always make you scream

I stay silent

It’s better that way

I’ll just make it worse

Being there today

I count my words

Just in my head

If it was out loud

I’d cry instead

I don’t remember

How to smile

That is forgot

Forever while

I starve myself

I don’t want to eat

I lose myself

I don’t want to speak

I don’t matter

Anymore

I’ve just become

A depressing bore

I don’t want anyone

I ask to be free

A new start

Try to be happy

depression

What is the key

Phil Lister5 Comments

I’m really struggling at the moment.

I don’t know how to think, how to feel or how to be.

It has been a very long time coming and I don’t know what I really expected.

My determination is probably the only thing that is going to get me through this.

Even though I feel battered every which way from Saturday.

My sleep patterns are up the wall, I don’t care. I’m irritable, irrational.

My problem solving competences are terrible. I have a constant headache, often stomach aches and dizzy.

I look like shit

How do you get through it? What is the key?

New work

Open

Phil Lister20 Comments

What does that mean?

How many years torn at the seams?

Maybe all is not as it seems

Being more open can be a new scene

.

Does that mean we can play flirting a bit?

Doing naughty things, maybe crazy shit

It’s new to me is this something couples do?

Help have you done the same? I haven’t a clue

.

I’ve always been so sexual, always needed it

Temptation always great, so I suppressed that shit

To be told I can explore, to be twenty something again

To flirt with a different girl and to become friends

.

I still don’t know how I feel age has a funny effect

Sexual tendancies, orientations, exploring to inspect

What do we want? What pleases us now?

Is it the same for you? It blows my mind. Wow!

.