depression · family · Life

Today I feel better

Today I feel better than yesterday

It is less heavy and I can make my way

One day at a time look after yourself

Think carefully about your mental health

.

Searching for you is a collection of poetry about love, heartbreak and happiness. A raw journey looking at our search in life to find ourselves and that special someone.

depression · Depression diaries

Getting through it

One day at a time

Monday I hit 38, that hurt, I have no idea why, I have just been on holiday with the kids for a week plus working from home.

Monday I felt so down, overwhelmed, I did not know how to take it, depression kicked my head so hard. I started questioning why? Why did I feel like this? Covid? Confinement? Work?

I started looking out, thinking I may need to talk to someone, my partner came home, I cheered up a bit and had my birthday presents etc. I cheered up a little.

Tuesday passable

Wednesday, dont get me started, I was so depressed, i got through the work day, then got my daughter. I was gardening outside as it made me feel a little better. We came inside, she wouldn’t stop whining I yelled, she covered her ears. I felt so horrible. I was doing the washing up and just crying to myself out of guilt. Uncontrollably, I thought, I really need to see someone.

I started looking, do you know how hard it is to look for someone in France, well looking is ok, but choosing is harder. I decided on one, messaged a bit. Thought on it.

I went to work Thursday and Friday, I talked a bit, already I felt so much better being around people, maybe I just need to be around people, at least a minimum.

I can’t message the person to cancel and on the site I can’t even pay for the proposed sceance, oh well.

I am sure it won’t be long before my next episode, I hope it won’t be as hard to deal with. We will see, stay strong, stay positive, talk to someone If you feel this way.

The most important think is finding out why? What is really getting you. Me it was social interaction. I am an introvert. Go figure!

depression · family · Life · managing depression · New work

It suffocates me

It’s so hard

Weighing me down

My morale is

Making me drown

No matter what

I try to do

It suffocates me

Like super glue

Down my throat

Clogging my nose

No way to stop it

That’s how it goes

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depression · family · Life · managing depression · New work

Help

I want to cry

I can’t understand why

I want to breathe

I feel I will die

I want to see

Can’t open my eyes

Dont want to suffer

Time goes by

I feel sadder now

Can’t stop this gloom

Its overwhelming

Cannot pull through

I can’t be alone

Not in this room

Help me please

What do I do?

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depression · Life · managing depression · New work

Maybe the next time

As I awoke in my pit of despair

Laid out on the floor as a carcas left to rot

The flies were probably seeking their next meal

I was probably an eternity after the expiration date

Clutching my head as if it mattered

The afternoon sun pulsing through the dreary nets

The burning rays on my brow

Self pity was on my lips from the night before

Somewhere between the cheapest vodka and the stains on my shirt

A stream of bottles littered the floor

If only it was a river with a breakneck current

I wish it would suck me in never to return to my hell

Why is there always a next time?

An afternoon awakening sunrise

Maybe the next time I lose myself in the bottle

I can disappear for good

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depression · Life · New work

Rest in peace

.

I feel so trapped in all that I do

6 feet under, no way through

I see the light, through the cracks

Other than that, it’s pitch black

I can’t breathe, no air left

When will I take, my last breath?

I claw with my fingers blunt till the end

Searching for help, in need of a friend

This coffin won’t open, closed from outside

Waves are crashing, soil subsides

Deeper my box falls, hurtling away

I will rest in peace, better that way

.

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depression · Life · managing depression

This clouded feeling

I can’t put my finger on it

Why I feel so down

This clouded feeling

That’s hanging around

I feel almost sick

But I don’t know why

I haven’t even got

Any appetite

I can’t control my emotions

So angry in my heart

Can’t pull it from me

I don’t know which path

How can I escape

From this torturous hell?

Is there an escape?

Is it a closed shell?

Its vice like grip

Constantly on me

Oh how I wish

I could be free

To breathe deeply

Clean virgin air

To stop suffocating

To fight the despair

Does happiness exist?

Will I feel it one day?

Or am I in hell hotel

Destined to stay?

.

My first poetry available for purchase.

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depression · Life · managing depression

It all started when…

This is

My once upon a time

When the suffering commenced

And I began to rhyme

Family problems

With mum and dad

They were separated

I never liked that

As I was scared

Scarred in my heart

As a lost soul

Where to start?

Easy to cry

Never understood

Impossible to help

As if you could?

My shell protecting

From the outside

Impossible to open

This was my life

I would curl in a ball

To be alone

I hated myself

This was my home

Quiet at school

Colorblind too

Difficult to make friends

Oh so true

I would hurt myself

To inflict pain

Scratching my arms

What did it gain?

Burning myself

To suffer some more

Days dragged by

Like a chore

I wished to punish

To harm myself

Through all the torment

The mental health

Anger so dark

Eating away

Hard to push out

To keep at bay

Although crying out

Silently so

I needed help

For it to go

If someone was there

To listen, just that

It would of helped

A selfless act

.

My first poetry available for purchase.

https://books2read.com/u/4AYydq