Category: Depression diaries

Depression diaries · Feel good

I will feel better 6 9 23

Phil Lister1 Comment

I could have done it

I probably should have

But all this is getting to me

You know how every single thing gets on top of you

Every single thing feels like a chore

When you just can’t see the point

I mean why the fuck?

Everything that I have done over the last 22 years of adulthood

Why?

Am I the bad person?

Am I the narcissist?

I know that I am to blame

I admit it

But god, life is punishing

We live to work and we work to live

That pension is not gonna pay itself and it’s not gonna go far

How do people afford cars, houses, even a god damn holiday when they have kids?

What do we have to give to them?

Why are we so scared of failing them?

Why are we so scared to make the same mistakes as our parents and we go ahead and do it anyway?

When we try so hard to be positive, for what? To feel better ?

When we need to speak to someone for help, why should we have to pay for it? It’s not help, it’s a fucking service.

Why do we feel we can’t talk and we can’t trust other people because no one will listen or care? And does it even matter?

I needed to write what I feel here. I needed to share. I feel I can talk to strangers, this is a safe place. These are my feelings.

I hurt, cry, bleed, suffer, scream and fart.

I am human

I am me

I am proud to be me

I will banish the negative

I will feel better

I will be better

You are welcome to join me

I want to heal

I need to heal

I will heal

I will stand up for myself

Phil 6 9 23

depression · Depression diaries · New work

Why is depression so overwhelming?

Phil ListerLeave a comment

Why is depression so overwhelming?

It seems as if fighting it is useless but I don’t even know why it is there.

I didn’t go to bed with it but it lays with my head on the pillow and when I look at myself brushing my teeth.

The car journey to work automatic as my brain tells me stories of what I can do as it holds me captive as I cannot switch off.

It is so heavy, piggy backing me while I get my coffee and sit down at my desk.

Thank god I have my job to push these thoughts away.

Get off my back!

depression · Depression diaries

Getting through it

Phil Lister6 Comments

One day at a time

Monday I hit 38, that hurt, I have no idea why, I have just been on holiday with the kids for a week plus working from home.

Monday I felt so down, overwhelmed, I did not know how to take it, depression kicked my head so hard. I started questioning why? Why did I feel like this? Covid? Confinement? Work?

I started looking out, thinking I may need to talk to someone, my partner came home, I cheered up a bit and had my birthday presents etc. I cheered up a little.

Tuesday passable

Wednesday, dont get me started, I was so depressed, i got through the work day, then got my daughter. I was gardening outside as it made me feel a little better. We came inside, she wouldn’t stop whining I yelled, she covered her ears. I felt so horrible. I was doing the washing up and just crying to myself out of guilt. Uncontrollably, I thought, I really need to see someone.

I started looking, do you know how hard it is to look for someone in France, well looking is ok, but choosing is harder. I decided on one, messaged a bit. Thought on it.

I went to work Thursday and Friday, I talked a bit, already I felt so much better being around people, maybe I just need to be around people, at least a minimum.

I can’t message the person to cancel and on the site I can’t even pay for the proposed sceance, oh well.

I am sure it won’t be long before my next episode, I hope it won’t be as hard to deal with. We will see, stay strong, stay positive, talk to someone If you feel this way.

The most important think is finding out why? What is really getting you. Me it was social interaction. I am an introvert. Go figure!