I close my eyes
To think of you
To think of the things
We used to do
.
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I close my eyes
To think of you
To think of the things
We used to do
.
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When you have lost everyone you loved
What’s the point of living and not giving up?
.
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The computer screen blinks at me
Dusty keys touched by many hands
As if inviting me
Studying my reflection
Wondering if he has replied
I think about him often
Long lost and close
I could finally speak to him
Forever it seems he was distant
Now I could touch him again
Hold him in my arms
To tell him that I love him
But what will he think of me?
Would he be dissapointed?
Unable to protect his mum
A shell of myself
Unwanting for pity or shame
I cannot bear to look
Or be looked at
Not today or any day…
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It was not cold this morn
Dew was on the grass
The breeze almost still
As if waiting for nature to whisper
To make my hairs stand up
Watching the horizon
As I have a million times
Awaiting its glow
Until finally
It peeps its head
Mesmerising yellow
I longed for your warmth
My naked skin breathing you
Your incredible brilliance
Fill my every nook
I am yours
To take me again and again
I will always wait for you
Fidel to the end
Beautiful sun
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Everyone whispers in my ears
Telling me how much you have changed
I will always be defiant of them
To me, you will always be the same
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Sometimes we need to cry
To release the pain away
To empty all the stress and strain
Not to keep it all at bay
We are not weaker for letting go
We are stronger in ourselves
Embrace and stop fighting it
Think of your mental health
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If I could paint you a picture
Of the world outside
Smudging all the bitterness
Hoping it would subside
It’s so hard when I lie to you
Having to describe
Covering all the chaos
By telling you my lies
Even if it’s to protect you
To hide the truth from you
I don’t want you to worry
I do the best I can do
Thinking of the day
That everything changed
What normal must look like
How it must be strange?
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I can’t look into her eyes for shame
Although she cannot see my pain
My beautiful wife sitting there
Can’t help herself, she can only stare
Playing with our sons car in her hand
He used to play with it, in the sand
She used to laugh, I remember how
That has all changed, this is now!
“Dear I am in pain, behind my eyes”
I bow to look, I don’t know why?
“When can I see a doctor?” she pleads
“When we get some papers” I conceed
As I look out the curtain and ask myself why
Unresponsive as I stare at the sky
Sometimes I am glad that she cannot see
But what does that say about selfish old me
What would be her reaction? Would she still love?
Her pathetic husband, am I good enough?
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Sometimes we just need a hug
Therapeutic form of love
Better than a drug
A little, tiny, BIG BIG HUG
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I leave the home to walk a bit
To digest the day and breathe
All the heavyness that I feel
I need to be upheaved
A moment with the nature
For an hour or two
Until it gets dark
Or I haven’t got a clue
I need to empty myself
To push it all out
Release the negativity
The nuclear fallout
Oh that feels so much better
My time all alone
Think it’s time to go back now
To my family, my home
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