New work

Numb

Numb inside

Living with myself

Feeling constantly

On the shelf

.

I am difficult

To be around

To live with

Make others frown

.

It’s inside of me

Can’t explain it

I’ll just write

For now

.

Nothingness

Always and at once

Aching

To feel like before

.

Time has passed

Change too

I won’t

I know me

.

The sacred path

That we wonder

If it even

Exists

.

I’ll never get there

Nor do I want

All is fake

A myth

.

Hope is overrated

Live to die

Only waiting

Million questions why

.

We’ll just never know

Answers evading

Like the new

Disease

.

At least it’s better

Than suffering

Trying to work out

And explain

.

This horrid mess

We call a life

Make our mistakes

And ask. Why?

Ella's first day at school

Ella’s first day at school (New Book)

As Ella woke up

In her lovely bedroom

She sat herself up

And felt the gloom

She was sad this day

The first day at school

Worrying to herself

“What should I do ?”

She dressed herself

In her favourite dress

She combed her hair

From its blonde mess

Down the stairs for breakfast

With mum and dad

Yawning loud

And feeling sad

“What’s wrong Ella?”

“Why are you sad?”

Looking concerned

Spoke softly her dad

“I don’t want to go”

“It scares me so much”

“I won’t know anyone”

“I’m so fed up”

“Ella my sweet”

“You’ll be ok”

“I’ll come with you”

“At the start of your day”

In the car

Driving along

Mum changes the radio

To Ella’s favourite song

Singing together

At the top of their lungs

Making it better

Having such fun

Arriving at class

The very first time

Seeing the teacher

As the bell starts to chime

“What’s your name?”

“Its Ella miss”

She looked at her mum

And gave her a kiss

She held her hand

Still a little scared

Not letting go

Still so aware

She looked around the class

Seeing everyone play

It seemed quite cool

What would she do today?

“It’s ok mum”

“I’ll be ok”

“I love you so much”

“Have a great day”

.

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New work

Rendez-vous

Nervous, heart pumping

Appointment soon

Thoughts colliding

Impending doom

.

In the car

Radio loud

Having doubts

Wondering how

.

Receptionist scolding

Wrong room

Sorry miss

Face of doom

.

Hour waiting

To see the doc

Scrolling videos

On tiktok

.

Finally the moment

Take a breath

Approach the room

What will be next?

New work

Sure I won’t be missed

I hate money

It’s control over us

Can’t get enough of it

It causes such a fuss

.

Everything depends on it

Can’t get away

Always need more of it

At the end of every day

.

Debt comes to bite your ass

And it rips you a new hole

It tosses the windows out

Until the vacuum takes hold

.

There are always others

That are much worse off than me

But my biggest stress of all

It has its way with me

.

So much worry

So much stress

Sometimes wondering

What is this test

.

Cars always breaking down

Kids to pay for

Working for your job

Feeling like a whore

.

Now we have to live to work

To pay all the fucking bills

Eating all my insides out

Like a poisonous swill

.

What is next to save myself

To get away from this

Put a bullet through my skull

Sure I won’t be missed

New work

Suffering weep

So so young

In the bedroom alone

Dark dark feelings

In the family home

.

Penknife out

Grating the skin

Starting to cut now

Pushing within

.

Feeling the pain

Gritting the teeth

Seeing the blood

Feeling misbelief

.

Tears of rage

Flow from eyes

Hating everything

True despise

.

Hating life

To finally stop

Giving up

Had enough

.

Laying down

Looking up

Regretting now

The open cut

.

Old t shirt

Wrapped around

Foetal silence

Not a sound

.

Tired now

Suffering weep

Teary dreams

Fading to sleep

1. Searching for you

I never got to ask you

I never got to ask you

And now I never will

So many thoughts in my mind

Alone is how I feel

.

I cannot hit stop

My mind will not allow

If only you could hear me

My voice, somehow

.

What happens to our love

When we drift apart?

Where does it go

When we have to restart?

.

How much do we have to hurt

Before the pain subsides?

Does it hurt for them as well

How it hurts me inside?

.

Will it just pass away

Along with the time?

Will it just stay with me

One day to feel fine?

.

As lying to ourselves

To suppress the obvious truth

Seems easier to us

Than seeing the actual proof

.

And which of us is unbroken

Tattered in shadowed thoughts?

Now feeling enormous regret

Wishing that they had fought

1. Searching for you

Fill my void

Do I deserve someone to fill my void?


Forever looking but feel destroyed


Tarnished by myself, my self-belief


That longing too much, just no relief


I am not a catch, I’m ugly and fat


No one could want me, it’s a fact


Dated for years to find just one


That perfect person, special someone


I don’t want a fling, nothing less


I’m not interested in emptyness

My bed is empty as I long so much


To feel close to someone, just to touch


To whisper sweet nothings all through the day


I don’t think it’s for me I am afraid


To feel loved and wanted, all that I ask


Maybe I am dreaming? I’m having a laugh?


Please one day, let me meet my match?


I’m sure they’ll be great, a real catch